For a while now, my mind has affected me in so many ways and caused so much damage to myself rather than others. For those who stuck with me for all this time maybe reading this can show you the shame I felt inside...even today. Why am I typing this for?. Journals were not made for drama but I just want to say this. [b]If you want to ignore this, just stop reading...you don't have to look at this...I'm doing this for the sake of my friends an the sake of keeping me sane for a little while longer. I'll reveal what caused my darkness an...my shame

Shame my other sin...

*Okay, you made it this far an you want to know what cause all of this?. Well in a nutshell I can say its jealously towards others but that small expression turned into a trench I've dug myself into. I didn't want to bring this up but the hole became so much deeper when I attempt in doing a few contests. Not only that I've failed myself as an artist an really show myself off in that I've felt none of my friends ever wanted to touch nor speak to me at all because of that (yes, I do mean VOCT). That rot was one of my problems that had me very depressed at myself, seeing that I've drawn for so long an only came so far...I feel like I'm back where I started when I was drawing in 2003 an was still in high school. As I admired the works I've seen I also dread it as well because I feel like my goal becomes a endless road that will never have a light or until I lose the ability to draw. It was said you can't make it alone an a little help is needed...honestly, the rate I'm going at...I really think I'll slowly fade an stop drawing...because I'm jealous of my inabilities to improve while my friends make a miracle improvement an drawing works equal to that I read or see on websites.

*My other Shame is me...that's right its me. I've jumped to so many conclusions. That really sharpen down my list of 'friends' I use to have since I've backlash with anyone that tried to cheer me up but they never knew what kind of internal mind battle I'm in. Hence is the reason I'm typing this out...to compass an understanding an to make me grow. Even till this day, I've felt that my messenger is useless to me. The thing I fought for to stay in touch with my friends an now...there's really no one around for me to stay in touch with. I know I speak very little an I tried my best to change the way I am but I guess no matter what, I'll still be the passive person that will still have a soft spot for those I deeply care for. A questionare pokes into mind for a few: where's your RL friends?. An the answer to that question is that I don't have any RL friends where I'm at right now so I'm alone an rely online for someone to speak with me.

So...going through all of that, do you think it's silly that my mind works that way or should I just grow a set of balls an just endure it?. Well I don't think this is easily to endure. If one can't speak of their problems then that problem becomes a issue an leads to physical harm to myself or worse...to suicide. I really really want someone to respond back...please give me your insight, your thoughts, your opinion (I don't care if its negative) just...I can't stay like this much longer or...

I'm really going to break...

So...help...please....